Scattered post, scattered life right now – in transition, halfway to somewhere, life in boxes, random observations.
At times like these, awareness has to be pulled in from the details, withdrawn from the chaos of the surroundings, and held safely in one’s core, or else sanity will be scattered to the winds.
Do you have any tricks to keep a focus, to stay grounded, to be centered, when all around you is swirling in a disorganized cloud?
I’ll write in list form – a structure to hang my life on right now:
- Having a cell phone makes me feel like I have one thing under control, one thing that won’t change – even though I know this is an illusion, I cling to it like a rock in the rapids
- My dear friend Teresa has offered to give me as a housewarming present the two plants I most want: a lavender and a rosemary to put beside the front steps. When I think of the years of joy that will come from her gift of loving friendship, it gives me tear-filled relief.
- I am constantly imagining how overwhelmed I will be to bring all this stuff from the old house and the storage unit to the new house, go through it all, be organized, develop a new relationship to stuff and cultivate a life of purposeful possession (as opposed to fearful hoarding, lazy squirreling, nostalgic clinging…)
- The Habitat meetings and classes have got me so beyond freaked out about money. The constant fearmongering reminds me of bringing home a premature infant hooked up to an apnea monitor, and how fear sucked the joy out of something that should have been beautiful.
- March 30th may mark a new era on paper, but I am still me and I will still have the same struggles, neuroses, anxieties…
I don’t know that I will write again in this house. I feel like can’t promise anything to anyone from this space in my head. I am using this event as an excuse to break off my usual path, and I’m not entirely sure where the trail will pick up again. I cannot think, therefore I am not.
I realize this all sounds overly negative, but I actually feel pretty neutral. Negative is still my default mode, I think. Just trying to ground myself in words, and this is how they came out. Thanks for reading, and please share your thoughts, experiences or philosophy about moving, space, chaos, the core of your being, or anything else you are inspired to contribute!