Tag Archives: life

So Big

Sometimes I surf the internet, like bein’ at the seashore, and I realize that, wow, this ocean is so freakin’ big. I’m just a tiny wave makin’ my way up the beach. Raising even tinier waves.

It’s just so big.

Uphill Battle

But the view at the top… worth the whole struggle.

Choosing Love

When I was little I thought the opposite of love was hate.

When I got older I realized that the opposite of love is fear.

Now I think that there is no opposite to love. Life is unending struggle, and we can choose to love anyway.

Love as a way to embrace life.

How to Live on a Day Like This

Today is one of those days where I want to run away, hide, scream, cry, give up.

But I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed. I want to do it differently. Like 880 freeway differently. Like why did I get this tattoo if I was just going to be beaten down by every tiny dilemma that comes my way. Even if there are fourteen of them and they are all coming at me at once.

I  sit with the feelings, keep my eyes and heart open to love and meaning.

It’s really freakin’ hard.


Too Tired to Multitask

I feel very low energy today. I know I could get a couple of projects done today, one at a time, throwing myself into each one in a singular motion, and in the act forgetting my fatigue.

But I have small children in the house. I cannot ever completely take my focus off of them. And the frustrating dance of trying to half-assedly get something done while being interrupted continuously, losing the thread, searching for it again only to drop it once more, and again, I just can’t take it today. I can only give everything I have to them, all day, while my own inspirations pace back and forth in the back of my mind, growling for attention.

Addicted to Crisis Mode

Let me preface this post by saying, I really hate adrenaline rushes. Anyone who knows me at all can vouch for this. I really really really hate that shaking freak out boost of juice that makes me feel like I’m gonna crawl out of my skin.

And I’m not talking about creating drama, either. I don’t try to involve others, mess with them and then step back in horror when they retaliate, or otherwise try to stir up some kind of communal crisis.

No, the crisis I’m talking about isn’t the 911 kind. It’s more of the slow burn of, golly, things are going quite poorly and woe is me.

Some things that push me over the invisible (non-existent?) edge into “crisis mode:” when I receive correspondence from any government agency; when we’re broke; when my husband’s stressed about something or other; when any one of my family members is suffering from any kind of illness or condition; when something larger and more expensive than a bread box breaks; when there is any size wrench thrown into whatever routine I’ve decided is “normal;” if my level of frustration at life in general exceeds a certain tolerable level; if it’s too hot or cold; if my kids have been too whiny; or when it’s Thursday.

In other words, am I at least semi-conscious and still breathing? Then I’m looking for a reason to go into crisis mode.

Off the top of my head, here are the things I get out of it:

  1. An excuse to take care of or even spoil myself.
  2. An excuse to say no to others’ requests.
  3. An excuse to be grumpy.
  4. The exciting possibility that this crisis means that real change is right around the corner and “things” will finally be “different.”
  5. An excuse to think or act outside the box.
  6. A reason to have a beer.

What if I just adopted a lifestyle that embraced these principles/allowances, without the negative side affects of intense anxiety, nightmarish worry, anger and self-righteousness, and all the other unpleasant stuff that comes with being in “crisis mode?”

What if I embraced the reality that every step we take upon this earth is a fragile blessing, subject to sinkholes and falling meteors, and that I am not only allowed but indeed should be encouraged to keep a flexible game plan. One that could include a beer or a moment of grumpitude. Or even some unexpected joy.

I need to practice giving myself permission to feel, change, set limits, provide for my own personal needs, without having to point to an external impetus. Just because Mama said so.

A Post As Disjointed and Chaotic as I Feel

Checked out a tattoo artist to see about finally getting the freeway sign on my wrist.

Need to get the reminders out to the neighbors about the homeowner’s meeting on Friday. There are signs at each exit to the subdivision, I send an email (but don’t have everyone’s address), post it on Facebook (but not everyone has joined the group), and take a paper note around to everyone’s house. Seems like overkill, but they can’t say they didn’t know.

Also, it’s quite warm out there, and I’m not looking forward to tromping around the neighborhood.

Taught my budgeting class to only ONE student yet again this morning. A young woman who has a goal of becoming a tattoo artist one day. Serendipitously enough. I would love to see how the class goes if I ever have more than one person in the class.

I need a beer.

I need to get my lesson plan completely sorted out and all my handouts typed up and printed out.

I’m supposed to call my mother in 3 minutes.

Should probably make dinner at some point.

Husband is working himself to the bone. Still.

Daughter is beside herself waiting to see if she got accepted into the nursing program.

Have to think about cleaning the house for the meeting to happen here on Friday.

Just a few scattered thoughts on this frantic scattered day.

I hope yours was lovely!